A comic wryly jokes about the pitfalls of being in a long-term relationship. He observes that the "adorable and still in love" elderly couple seen walking closely arm-in-arm in the park are actually merely leaning on one another so that they don't fall down.
According to this comic, there is no such thing as passion in a relationship once you've been together for years and years-- your body starts to go and you literally need one another just to get around.
This comedian's jokes got laughs from his audience, but we simply do not agree.
When the spark goes out in your love relationship or marriage, it is no laughing matter.
When the spark goes out in your love relationship or marriage, it's not inevitable either.
Julia looks with envy at her married friends. She has had several serious relationships, but none of them have been serious enough to take that step to get married.
Sometimes it's the guy who seems unable to take their commitment to a deeper level. And sometimes it's Julia who becomes bored or dissatisfied with her partner. She ends up breaking it off because she can't envision herself spending the rest of her life with this man.
Still, Julia hopes that one day she will find the right guy and get married. She'd like to be in a long-term relationship that is filled with passion and stays that way. But she's also a realist. She knows that isn't what normally happens.
You might already be married or in a committed relationship. You might feel a lack of romance or passion with your partner but, just like Julia and the comic above, you believe that it's natural and even unavoidable.
We're here to help you question that belief. We're here to tell you that you don't have to settle for a spark-less relationship.
The excitement that you crave with your partner can be re-ignited, sustained and even expanded upon.
Here are 3 tips to get you started....
#1) Create an expectation that you and your mate will be connected and passionate as long as you are together.
Many people carry around the expectation that there is a "honeymoon" phase in every relationship (even those that don't involve marriage) and, after that, it's all downhill. You and your partner settle into sharing life together and there simply isn't time or energy for passion.
If you look around, you might very well find that others in long-term relationships seem to go through this type of trajectory. As the couple gets to know one another, it's all cards, flowers and romance. After a time, however, the flame dwindles and sometimes even dies out.
Part of the problem here is that people expect that after a certain number of years or after a particular age, you cannot share sensuality, red hot love or an enlivening closeness with one another-- it seems nearly impossible.
If you hold such beliefs and expectations, we recommend that you think again. Ask yourself this: Is it true that every single couple who has ever been together has lost their spark at a certain point in their relationship?
If you put the question in that way, you'll undoubtedly determine that you can't know this with any certainty.
The truth is, there are scores of couples all across the globe who do enjoy that kind of passion. You might even know people who have created such a relationship.
And we'd bet that none of those couples hold an expectation that it is "natural" for the spark to go out.
The great news is this: You can change your expectations. It requires you become aware of the way you tend to think and believe. It also requires you to introduce new thoughts and beliefs into your consciousness.
#2) Find your inner spark and keep feeding your spirit.
Julia has begun to shift her expectations about passion in love relationships and especially marriages. She's even found a few role model couples that have given her hope that excitement can stay alive in long-term relationships.
While Julia is currently single, she is finding ways to keep her own inner spark flourishing. She's starting to realize that it's not the responsibility of her future partner to keep her sense of spirit and spark strong-- that's her job-- regardless of her relationship status.
Don't focus on all of the ways that your partner seemingly fails to ignite a spark in your relationship. Instead, take responsibility for figuring out what helps your heart sing and what makes you feel grateful to be alive, walking around as the person you are.
When two people who are tending and feeding their own inner sparks come together in relationship, the passion will grow even bigger!
Your spirit might feel nourished and fed as you engage in a hobby, volunteer activity or other activity. It might not be an activity, but a new way of thinking and caring for yourself that helps you to feel more alive.
Whatever works for you, find it and keep on doing it!
#3) Share that sense of passion with your mate.
Don't worry that your partner will feel threatened as you take a pottery class, write poetry or even go off to play a round of golf.
You can set an example for him or her by making yourself responsible for keeping your inner spark alive. You will also most likely come to interactions with our mate feeling more satisfied, open and relaxed.
But don't cut out your mate either.
Find ways to share the sense of passion that you feel when you do whatever it is that you do that helps to nourish your spirit.
Even if your partner has no interest in the pottery, the poetry or the golf, he or she can still join in with you. Perhaps your excitement about what you do is similar to his or her excitement about another activity.
Stay open and focus mainly on how much more alive you each feel when you're tending to your own inner sparks. Honor one another and look for places where your possibly different interests overlap and come together.
Celebrate this and allow connection as both of your passionate feelings converge.
You're never too old and it's never too late to re-ignite the spark. Do it for your relationship and do it for yourself.
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